A real update

As anyone who has been following this blog can see, I’ve pretty much fallen off the blogging bandwagon and this happened over a year ago. The beginning of December 2015 was when I was kicked from my pain clinic for an opiate-related medication error (I was at an academic conference and accidentally messed up my meds, which showed up in the drug test they do for people on opiates…which is supposed to catch people abusing their meds or selling them, but that’s a whole ‘nother rant that I haven’t brought myself to write). I had a friend die, I had my dissertation chair get a new job with short notice, my sleep doctor found cardiopulmonary problems that are probably related to my birth defect, found out I have a (benign) tumor on my spine, then a teenage family member died, then one of my cats died last week…

In short, the past year has been tumultuous. My depression has been out of control for most of this year. I’ve considered quitting my PhD program repeatedly because of trying to find the right mix of faculty members to be on my committee (I have to have at least four members, two from my department, and the other two can’t be from the same department) as well as my pilot research crashing and burning (and with the current state of affairs in the U.S., finding grant money to make it happen is highly unlikely).

To channel my grief and frustration, I’m currently fostering a four month old puppy former stray who had an abscess removed for the local animal shelter. She’s an absolute sweetheart, but absolutely petrified of everything (except for my cat…she thinks he’s interesting). Even though it feels like almost everything else in my life is melting like a Salvador Dali painting, it feels good taking care of this puppy who will be with us while her stitches heal. She may only be with us for six days, but we’re showing her that people aren’t so bad. Even though fostering has a lot of unknowns, it feels stable and makes me feel like I have value and worth when my brain is telling me otherwise.


One thought on “A real update”

  1. You have value to me! I’m sorry things are so hard right now and I hope they get easier. I wish I could give you the time and $$ to take some time to grieve and recover from the awful things you’re dealing with.

    I’ve been feeling a bit like a failure with my PhD lately – I take longer than many students because I’m sick. And I’ve also been grieving the loss of a loved one. My supervisor won’t support me financially at all after my independent funding expires. I have to remind myself that just because academia treats us like robots in factory, valuable only for the papers we produce, does not mean that it’s true.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s